Resilience isn’t something you are born with. It’s like a muscle. It has to be exercised and built over time. And unfortunately, it’s often the hardest things in life that make it stronger. Here’s how I turned some of the hardest moments from my early life into fuel to move me forward.
As a little girl, my resilience was built through every disappointment from my unfit parents, every abuse I endured from the people my father allowed into our home, and every time I ran away trying to escape life. It was built day after day, over many painful years.
In my early life, so much was working against me. Yet despite it all, I maintained good grades in high school while usually working six days a week and moving between friends’ and family’s homes.
Before graduation, I got my own place with my high school sweetheart. Six months later, he was killed in a motorcycle accident outside my work. I was heartbroken and traumatized. But the chaos didn’t stop there. Three months later, I was pregnant with someone I barely knew. I had no parents to lean on. I was living in my late boyfriend’s parents’ basement. I had just been transferred to a different TD Bank branch because I could not bear to relive the accident scene every time I went to work.
I was overwhelmed with morning sickness, exhaustion, and grief. But instead of letting this keep me down, I chose to keep going. The day after I found out I was pregnant, I still got up and went to work. Then I did it again the next day, and the next. Choosing to do what needed to be done. I worked on building a relationship with the man who is now my husband, Rodney Biggar, and one month after turning 19, I gave birth naturally to a healthy baby boy.
I have no doubt that if all the hard things that happened in my life earlier had not happened, our story might never have become a love story. Twenty-two years later, we can honestly say we made it. We’ve built a beautiful life together. We have two amazing boys, now 17 and 20, and we’ve worked side by side in the mortgage industry for nearly two decades. We’ve built a dream home and a life filled with travel. And now, we’re stepping into a new chapter, creating an entirely new version of our dream life together.
“You can’t take down a woman who uses the worst things that ever happened to her as fuel for her greatest victories.” -Shades of Sisterhood
I have never met a wildly successful person who has not gone through something that nearly destroyed them. Those who have endured the hardest things already have a head start if they choose to rise. If they choose to lead. If they choose to build a business, take ownership of their future, or step into roles that require grit and determination.
“Resilience isn’t given to you. It can’t be taught in a classroom. It’s built through experience, by pushing through hard things and strengthening your ability to face whatever comes next.” -Alicia Biggar
But if you want to become more resilient without the trauma, there are still ways to train. Try cold plunging. It teaches your body how to regulate itself in deeply uncomfortable conditions. Try Oxygen Yoga. A full-body workout in an infrared-heated room forces you to push through discomfort and stay mentally disciplined. Train for a full or half marathon. Running beyond the point of comfort teaches endurance, one of the core building blocks of resilience. Challenge yourself to change up your daily routine and do some hard things. Stepping off autopilot and forcing yourself to think critically strengthens your mental toughness.
“Our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are, but we are responsible for who we become.” -Barbara Geraci
I recently attended a Tony Robbins online seminar, and something he said really resonated with me. “The biggest problem people face is believing they shouldn’t have any problems at all.” So much frustration comes from expecting things to be easy. So instead of using hard things as an excuse, adjust your mindset. Much of our stress does not come from life itself, but from the way we respond to it.
If trauma is what built your resilience, then healing must become part of your story. And you need to set the story down. Because whatever we focus on tends to grow. Maybe that’s why my early life unfolded the way it did. From an abusive childhood to an unstable high school student, and then losing my boyfriend and becoming pregnant at 18. I was focused on a “poor me story” that shaped my decisions, quietly steering my life in directions I never saw coming. When trauma becomes your focus, it shapes everything you see.
After I met Rodney, I made a conscious effort to stop focusing on the trauma. We had a baby on the way. I relied on my resilience, choosing healing, hope, and what was still possible. Turning my pain into power.
I share my story because I want people to know there is always a chance to overcome what seems impossible. Hoping that my survival guide might help someone who needs hope. When you are in the middle of something painful, you cannot imagine a happy ending. Everything feels unbearably heavy, and there seems to be no end in sight. Here’s a reminder that no matter how hard things get, you’re not alone, and you can come through stronger.
“A woman who turns her wounds into wisdom, her battles into strength, and her breakdowns into realignment is unstoppable.” -Tara Isis Gerris
Some people have a lot to say about lives they have never lived. They’ll never understand the weight you carried, the battles you fought in silence, or the strength it took to keep going when everything was so heavy.
It’s not about never breaking. Resilience is about rebuilding yourself every time life tries to break you. The strongest people aren’t the ones who never fall. They’re the ones who refuse to stay there.
My story isn’t about what happened to me. It’s about what I chose to do next. And most days I choose to rise.